The basketball posts in the school playground have foam jackets around them so that children won’t bang into them and hurt themselves.  Football boots may be banned because of the spikes. Conkers can only be played with a helmet and safety visor. Signs such as ‘Mind the Step’ or ‘Watch your Head’ surround us and safety tape lines every possibly dangerous edge. Dangers and risks are being discovered every day, and appropriate safety measures put in place. Those pending implementation are as follows:-

Black and yellow safety tape along the kerb of all paths, (so you don’t trip or invadvertently fall into the road.)

Wet Ground signs placed next to puddles.

Foam jackets on tree trunks.

Holly, rose bushes and other pointy plants to be stamped with warning triangles and nettles to be made illegal.

‘Danger, the ground will feel hard if you fall’ signs at intervals along pavements, in stores, and in the countryside.

A fire extinguisher must be located next to the displays of matches, in all stores.

Fluorescent jackets to be worn by everyone outdoors after 4.30pm in winter.

Hard hats to be worn when walking in the woods (in case of falling pine cones, horse chestnuts or twigs.)

Warning signs that if you push a door with a ‘pull’ sign, or pull a door with a ‘push’, sign; you may jar your shoulder.

‘Warning there is a danger sign ahead’ signs a few metres before danger signs (so people are spared the sudden stress that fear of danger causes) In fact all signs warning that there is something ahead will have a sign a few yards beforehand warning of the fact that there is a sign ahead, and of course another one to warn of that one…..

This is all because it will soon be illegal to die.