My own version of the glossy magazine article I’ve just read. ‘ 20 things I keep in my fridge’

• Some sticky spillage that has dried on the button so the light takes three seconds to come on.
• A lip gloss.
• Dish of green gunge which could be leftover spinach, pea soup, mint sauce or a school experiment which the children have long since forgotten.
• Home-made bird cake with a suspicious hole scraped in it as though somebody has tasted it.
• Brown meaty stuff in a cling film covered dish which could be dog food or casserole leftovers.
• Folklore chutney that looks as though its made from garden bugs
• A cool-eyes headache soother.
• Green trimmed yoghurt
• A group of mushrooms in a container which could be (a) mushrooms or (b) fungi growing on some long since shrivelled foodstuff.
• A plastic yellow brick which turns out to be ancient cheese.
• A jar of mincemeat dated 1999.
• A water filled polythene glove (preparation for Halloween)
• A misshapen once melted, chocolate bar.
• Three quarters of a bottle of disgusting wine meant for cooking when I remember to add it.
• A plastic fork, wrapped in cellophane.
• Half a tub of dead cress.
• Flat, sparkling water.
• Half a shrivelled onion open side on a plate (that explains the smell.)
• Out-of-date cough mixture
• A notice to self, hanging down from the top shelf saying -CLEAN FRIDGE!